The Real Hogwarts
by ShadowedHound
Summary: What really goes on at Hogwarts.


Dear Reader,

I'm going to assume you have read Harry Potter. If not then it's my job to inform you that you live under a rock. For those of you who have read HP, what if I were to tell you that Hogwarts, witches, wizards and Quidditch were all real? However, the way Ms Rowling portrays them is morphed due to some alcohol related incidents that can be explained at a later point in time. Maybe I should start at the beginning, the very best place to start.

My name is Amelia Turner and I grew up in London, England. Like many children of the era I loved the Harry Potter books and read them many times during my younger years. So, when my letter first arrived, a few months before my 14th birthday, my family and I laughed at the prank and tossed it out. When the next ones arrived we continued laughing and tossed them out. By the time we decided to look in to the truth of letters we were receiving fifty a day and owl shit covered most of our front garden and roof. Funnily enough we arrived in Diagon Alley (Mum collapsed at that point in time) and managed to buy my school supplies. I also got an owl of my own which I named Star. Due to the books I knew exactly where to find Platform 9¾ so I took off for Hogwarts blissfully unaware of what awaited me on arrival. This is the real Hogwarts.

- Amelia Turner

Dear Reader,

Upon my arrival at Hogwarts I was greeted by the overly cheery Hagrid. At the time the other 13/14 year old first years and I didn't realise he was drunk but it was a marvellous start to the year.  
"Goo' ev'n'n fi's' yea's" he announced in a slurred voice, we thought it was just his accent.  
"Are you Hagrid, the games keeper?" One anxious looking first year asked.  
"Tha' b' meeeeee. Wh''re you?" he asked the boy who was unsuccessfully attempting to merge with the crowd of first years.  
"Christopher Holt" he eventually said, just loud enough for everyone to be hear.  
"Well Ch'is'ophe', le's hea' fo' th' boa's" Hagrid yelled, startling everyone. He started down a dimly lit path but didn't make it more then two steps before falling over. We stared but he got himself up and managed to only hit six trees on the short walk to the boats.  
I'm thankful that the boats were rowed by magic because even with it Hagrid almost managed to capsize four. We figured he was just very excitable.  
Professor McGonagall was there to take us dripping wet first years to the great hall. She wasn't at all as I had imagined her. At the time I just figured she was younger-looking then said in the book but one girl wrecked that when she began pointing out the incredibly obvious nose job, boob job and botox injections.  
We shuffled after her and into the Great Hall. It was just as I had imagined it! Everything was exactly as the book stated and I began to grin at anything and everything. Some people grinned back but most were staring at the head of the hall expectantly, waiting. Professor McGonagall disappeared for a few minutes, returning with a hat - The Sorting Hat. Everyone craned to look at the tattered old thing and it seemed to deliberately wait a few minutes before breaking in to song: 

Oh, you may not think I'm pretty  
Judge on what you see  
I'm a scary bastard  
There's no hat ruder then me  
Come to me for advice  
On this or that  
The whereabouts of contraband  
Cause I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat  
I dislike you brats  
So I demand a fee  
In my lair  
I don't welcome poverty  
However for the New Year  
I'll impart some insight  
Of great value  
But just this one night  
Go to Gryffindor  
For easiness and whores  
Teenage pregnancy  
Is part of their house-laws  
Seek a Hufflepuff  
If alcohol's your thing  
Those cheerful Hufflepuffs  
Are the alcoholic kings  
Old Ravenclaw  
Is never quite there  
Had to much pot and such  
But drugs they're willing to share  
Slytherin has all the rest  
Anything a teenager could need  
They throw the best parties  
Very few of them can read  
So, fresh meat, shark bait  
Or what you will  
Don't hesitate to try me on  
It's your fate I get to seal.

With that the hat was quiet and the hall erupted in loud applause. Every first year from a non-magical background look fairly confused and taken aback. None had the time to get their head around that because the next thing we knew we were being sorted in to houses. I was placed in Gryffindor! The same as Harry Potter! The other Gryffindor first years were Christopher Holt, Teal Perry and her sister Violet Perry, Peter Cossick, Corinne Weatherly, Brigette Sawyer, Lucas O'Neill, Jason Torey, Matthew Yates, Xirin Riley and Elsie Hunter.

The feast was spectacular, the 7th years got pissed and most of them left well before the end. Dumbledore must have lost his glasses because he kept getting up to tell people off but managed to walk into a wall every time. Afterwards a prefect, one of the few people still around walked us to the Gryffindor common room. Inside a 'start of term' party was going on. More drunk people and more making out.  
"Where do they get the alcohol?" Brigette asked, eyeing up a cute looking 3rd year.  
"From the store, of course" the prefect, Tina, responded.  
"Aren't you supposed to start at Hogwarts when you're 11?" Lucas asked.  
Tina laughed, "Nope, common mistake the book bought about. 13 or 14 is the general first year age"  
She then swanned off to the drinks table, leaving us by the door. Brigette and Elsie were led away by some guys, shortly followed by Teal and Corinne. What happened after, I don't want to know but the next morning they were pretty hung-over. Lucas, Matthew, Xirin, Christopher and Peter also walked off and got drunk or something but Jason hung around with Violet and I by the door.  
"Maybe we should just go find our dorms and stay there for the night" Jason remarked as we edged around the wall, towards the stairs. We nodded in agreement and headed up the separate stairs. Our rooms were marked out so, Violet and I headed straight in. We looked at each other, looked at the door and smiled.  
"Should we lock it?" she asked  
"Your sister's out there"  
"Oh, right. Maybe we should just go to bed, then"  
"Yeah, I'm Amelia Turner by the way"  
"Violet Perry"  
And with that we turned and went to our separate beds.

- Amelia Turner


End file.
